


he's scared (of closing his eyes forever)

by koifishthatwrites



Series: to fix what's broken [5]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Depressed Oma Kokichi, Gay Oma Kokichi, Gen, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Killing Game Was A Virtual Reality Simulation (Dangan Ronpa), M/M, Oma Kokichi Needs a Hug, Oma Kokichi-centric, One-Sided Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi, Out of Character Oma Kokichi, POV Oma Kokichi, References to Depression, Sad, Sad Oma Kokichi, Suicidal Thoughts, gotta be safe, lotsss of hurt, this is so fucking short compared to the last two i-
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:07:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28085913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koifishthatwrites/pseuds/koifishthatwrites
Summary: He is frozen, unable to move and suddenly, the room feels much smaller than before and he can’t breathe.So he sits there, trembling like the pathetic excuse of a leader he is.He deserves to die, he knows that better than anyone else.So why does his chest constrict with fear and anxiety every time he so much as thinks about it?
Relationships: Amami Rantaro & Oma Kokichi, Oma Kokichi & Saihara Shuichi, Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Series: to fix what's broken [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2053170
Comments: 16
Kudos: 129





	he's scared (of closing his eyes forever)

**Author's Note:**

> heyyy its the dumb bitch who accidentally deleted the entire fucking series while half asleep
> 
> I am so sorry to all the wonderful people that subscribed or bookmarked this train wreak
> 
> Also really not happy with this utter trash of a chapter but honestly, I just wanted to update

He wakes up feeling safe and not to the sound of cries or whispers.

For the first time, it’s quiet. The cries are shushed and the whispers are too hushed for him to even make out they say.

For the first time, he doesn’t wake up sobbing or frightened beyond belief from a nightmare that will inevitably flash in his eyes every time they close.

For the first time, he feels safe.

Then he remembers who’s holding him and he’s pretty sure his heart stopped beating right then and there.

‘aksjsjsjskdjskdxgzvhzpzrtxnfxodcyfrsahpengcb—’ Is his thought process as he stares at the annoyingly attractive face of Saihara Shuichi.

He can practically feel his face turning into a deep, deep pink as his stupid, weak heart does cartwheels in his chest.

And of course, in this moment of absolute embarrassment and euphoria, Rantarou walks in.

“Ko— Oh my _god_ .” Rantarou, the utter _traitor_ , gapes.

“Not a word.” He’s aware his glare has exactly zero effect while his face is as red as a tomato and he’s basically sitting in his crushes lap, but that sure as hell doesn’t stop him from trying.

“But—”

“Not. A. Word.”

* * *

After snapping a photo, Rantarou proceeds to tease the life out of him.

Thankfully, they have to go to lunch soon.

Not thankfully, they have to wake up Shumai, who has exactly zero business looking that fucking attractive even with a bit of drool coming out of his mouth.

Shumai isn’t _nearly_ as flustered as he was when he’d woken up. He just smiles with a pretty little blush on his face and thanks them for waking him.

They banter nonchalantly on the way and Kokichi can’t help but think he doesn’t deserve the small warmth low in his stomach.

* * *

(It only takes one offhand remark about how he kind of misses the giant hugs Gonta used to give him for Rantarou to start hugging him every time he sees him.

If Rantarou notices how he freezes at first but hugs back after a few seconds, he doesn’t say anything.)

* * *

Things were getting better and he is starting to wonder just how long he has until they go bad again.

(He tries so, so hard to shatter the tiny, small hope that things won’t go bad, that things can just remain the way they are, that he can be happy.

But just as always, he fails.)

* * *

And it does.

“Kokichi did… did you mean it when you said you’d be better off dead?” It’s Rantarou who asks but that doesn’t make any better.

Expectedly, he tenses. 

He wants to lie, wants to hide away behind the familiar mask of deceit and wallow in his carefully crafted web of lies.

But as always, he can’t.

(He is, after all, the villainous, useless liar that can’t even lie.)

So instead, he tells the bitter, painful truth.

“Yes, I did.”

He can barely hear Rantarou intake sharply over the reverberating whispers and thundering cries.

“... I see.”

(And if he notices the way Rantarou hugs him just a little tighter and for a few seconds too long later, he doesn’t mention it.)

* * *

Time passes, the days cycle endlessly but they aren’t monotone, he realizes one day.

They are filled with vibrant colors of green, pink, purple, yellow, bronze and gold.

* * *

“What’s your name?”

His nurse stares at him with an incomprehensible expression that makes him somewhat nervous.

Finally, she replies, “... It’s Kayama. Remember it well, brat.”

(And he does.)

* * *

A month passes, and he finally, finally allows himself to hope that maybe, just _maybe_ they won't go back to scorning him like they did before.

(He feels so relieved when he does, as if one of the many, _many_ burdens on his shoulders had been released.

He can't help but hate himself just a little bit more for feeling something he clearly doesn't deserve.)

* * *

It's three in the morning and he’s fallen on the cold hard floor as his back covers in goosebumps from the cold and he realizes he no longer wants to fall asleep forever.

He is frozen, unable to move and suddenly, the room feels much smaller than before and he can’t breathe.

So he sits there, trembling like the pathetic excuse of a leader he is.

He deserves to die, he knows that better than anyone else.

So why does his chest spike with fear and anxiety every time he so much as thinks about it?

Why why why? It used to give him a sense of peace before, a sense of consoling as he’d fantasize about closing his eyes and not having to open them for anyone, about laying on the ground as he sight fails him as his last breath deserts him.

Now, the mere thought of it makes his ears fill with static, it knocks the air out of him as he feels the panicky fear clog up his throat in a nauseous way and the hydraulic press is suddenly inches away from crushing him into nothing but a puddle of blood that stains the ground.

He curls up into himself, tears already streaming down _~~(crybaby)~~_ but no sounds escaping.

(He stays like that until he feels a familiar hand on his shoulder and tilts his head up to see green eyes that held no judgement.

He stares at the stairs that lead to the roof the entire way to the cafeteria and ignores Rantarou’s worried frown.)

* * *

He doesn’t say anything for the entire day, not when Miu asks him a blunt question about something involving getting fucked, not when Rantarou asks if he’s alright, not when Gonta frowns at him with worry he doesn’t deserve even a fraction of, not when Shumai lightly squeezes his hand in concern.

He doesn’t react, for the thoughts swarming and stealing his conscience don’t allow.

* * *

Once again, he is sprawled on the cold hard floor with goosebumps covering every inch of his back.

Once again, he is spiraling.

Slowly, he looks around.

The engulfed in darkness window comes to sight almost immediately.

His stance is wobbly and unsteady but he can stand.

Heavily leaning on whatever's closest, he takes a step towards the window.

_Another step._

_Another step._

_Another step._

_Another step._

He finally reaches the window.

He stares.

The void-like window stares back.

For an eternity, it continues. Until he moves once again.

He falls to his knees.

_‘I can’t do it.’_ He trembles, eyes blown wide. _‘I can’t do it I can’t do it I can’t do it why can’t I do it—’_

Then everything clicks.

“Oh.” He whispers blankly, “I’m scared.”

He’s scared of falling asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> ...that was bad wasn't it
> 
> Ill try to make the next one better (hopefully)
> 
> honestly though, I fear that i couldn't write this this the i intended and in turn, accidentally disrespected someone. If I did, then please know it wasn't my intention. I based this entire characterization of kokichi off my own headcanons and I'm no psychology major so i just hope it came out readable
> 
> also fun fact: angie visits him sometimes in this fic , its pretty rare so it isnt really mentioned here much
> 
> aight its three am where i live and im getting some fukng sl e e p after this
> 
> please comment if i missed any tags ill try to add them as soon as i can


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